You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
