We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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