wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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