I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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