So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
