you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
