we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
