I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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