I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
