I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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