Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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