theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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