Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
