Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
YAS. BRING CRAB.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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