tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
