its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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