Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
