Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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