I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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