I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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