we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
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