Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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