In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
