You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Randomize
