Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
