My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
