this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
