Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
