I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
