it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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