She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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