Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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