i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
