I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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