That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Randomize
