Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
