I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
