Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
