Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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