I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she told me i tasted like america
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
