I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
