Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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