New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize