I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
