I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
