im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize