I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
