I will die if light touches me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
