I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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