watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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