we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
