I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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