First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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