i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
