I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
