My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
