I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
