so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
