Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
