Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
