you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
