Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
