Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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