Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
