I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
