speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
