New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
