the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
